Conference Etiquette

It’s a known secret among the left that conferences are the mating safaris for activists and social dissidents. Building solidarity is to militants as feathers are to peacocks. But similar world-views and the forte to chant “the people united will never be defeated” in 62 languages doesn’t necessarily produce class love. So if you’re one of the many male activists—from idealistic neophytes to veteran card-carrying comrades-- to have mobilized a dozen or more activist women to march away from your love cause, read carefully the following points—conferences are always in season!

1. Be on time. Unless to you were a) held up at the border/airport by immigration officials; b) boarding the plane this very second because you were on stand-by for a cheaper flight; or c) fulfilling conference-related tasks (shuttling delegates, photocopying, collating info packages, painting banners for the post-conference rally), there’s no excuse for being late. Tardiness reflects your priorities (or lack of), ideological strength (or weakness), respect (or disrespect) for the conference and its organizers, the majority being women. And if that doesn’t help, consider this: we’re serving the people, trying to change the world—and you’re late?


2. Don’t throw your weight around. Be the ultimate featherweight conference champ; don’t campaign your presence like a desperate GOP half-wit (especially if you were late and missed the plenary session). This rule applies to the following:

• Don’t boast how long you’ve been a leftie, how many meetings you’ve chaired, how many times you’ve been arrested, your longest hunger strike, how many whales you’ve saved, how much blood you’ve donated. Your actions are noble, but not original. Whatever you’ve done for humanity, a million other activists did it long before you signed your first petition. Don’t take it personally, it’s part of the left territory;
• Don’t brag about how many or what books you’ve read. This is a dead giveaway that you’ve read very little, or worse, that you’ve not understood anything you’ve read. It also assumes that you’re all theory and no practice, the latter generally more favoured with activist women who are keen on applying sex love methods in the context of class love relations;
• During solidarity night, recite ONE poem, or sing ONE song, or do ONE dance. You’ve blessed the mic; tour-jetted across the marley floor; you’re talented; we get it. Now raise your fist on behalf of international solidarity and immediately exit stage left. Short and tight performances will arouse activist women. It’s about leaving them wanting more.

3. Stay in the kitchen. Wash, rinse, dry and put the plates away. Repeat process after every meal for the entire conference. You see, activist men who volunteer for kitchen duty are consciously liberating themselves from the old-school patriarchal values they’ve inherited. They’re more attractive than the posers who sit around armchair-revolutionizing/intellectualizing everything. This goes for the mactivists fronting the “Men of Quality Respect Women’s Equality” t-shirts who show up late but tear ass to party--leaving the clean-up/set-up/washing up to the fairer sex. The best thing about kitchen duty? You’re with women.

4. Zip your lip. Fidel Castro holds the record for the longest speech running at 7 hours and 10 minutes. Of all his revolutionary accomplishments, don’t emulate this one. As Chairman Mao noted: “Talks, speeches, articles and resolutions should all be concise and to the point…[and] should not go on too long.” So get off your soap-box, wipe the mic of your spit and learn to finesse your opinions. Remember, it’s all about leaving them wanting more.